I have discovered that it is Robert
that is responsible for those annoying televisions that have popped up on top
of gas pumps or cashier stations at many grocery stores. Indeed, these devilish
conveyances of unnecessary information and advertisement are his doing, his
creation. From the beginning, I’ve detested these damned things, preferring to
refuel my car from the outermost row of pumps, unprotected from the elements,
to avoid the distorted, blaring noise of the television speaker of the
Schnickelfritz Auxiliary Outdoor Boob Tube, as I have decided to name it. The
devices located within the hallowed walls of my grocery store employ the
Schnickelfritz Auxiliary Indoor Boob
Tube for obvious reasons.
It takes all of my mental
concentration to tune out the indoor model, as all but the automated lanes are
equipped with this maniacal media-spewing mind control device. I refuse to use
the automated lanes for the greater good, as I firmly believe that to do so
contributes to the loss of jobs. I will not be party to the replacement of
manned, or womanned, as it is more often found, checkout stations.
Somehow, someway, Robert Downey
Schnickelfritz had convinced the corporations of these institutions, if not
many others as well, that the American people are not soundly bombarded with
gibberish from news broadcasts, sports clips, or advertisements as they wait
for their fuel tanks to be replenished or their grocery needs fulfilled. I do
believe that his great uncle, Adel (who would have been given the first name
Adolf had it not been for a certain someone who shall not be named here in his
entirety. Leave it to one evil murderous dictator to ruin an otherwise
perfectly good name. By the way, have you noticed that you cannot get through
one day, not a single solitary day, where the evil murderous dictator who shall
not be named in his entirety, though it begins with Adolf, is not referred to
somewhere by the internet, cable television, or certain radio programs? Now that’s an evil murderous dictator)
Agamemnon Schnickelfritz helped to carry their case to the billionaires that
run such networks that Robert’s creation was a necessity.
Adel Agamemnon Schnickelfritz is
among the most successful of the great clan (American branch) and has the ear
of many members of the illuminati, some of which own a myriad of the
purveyances of social media networks, and the various methods of television
transmission, radio, etc. It is Adel who is the most likely to have helped bend
the ear of the right people in power to provide the material for these insane
tools of commercial media. On this, I will dig further.
At this point, I will shift our
focus on the Schnickelfritz family to another notable incident in American
history. I turn the clock back to the year 1876 and the historic Battle of the
Little Bighorn, where the twins, Siegfried Adolf (the name had not yet been
tarnished by the evil murderous dictator who shall not be named in his
entirety) and Leopold Armands Schnickelfritz. Both were born of farmers, Alvin
and Michelina Schnickelfritz, both of whom had migrated from Germany and
settled in Ohio just before the American Civil War.
Siegfried and Leopold, to avoid the
hard work of farming, it was said, joined the U.S. Army when they came of age
in the late 1860’s, missing the Civil War entirely. After such a decimating war,
it was thought by the Schnickelfritz twins that it would be the war to end all
wars, therefore, they assumed soldiering would be the safest vocation for the
both of them. Since we know that no Schnickelfritz has much beyond average
intelligence, it comes as no surprise just how far off the mark they were.
Over time, both Siegfried and
Leopold attained the rank of sergeant and has it happens, were attached to the
7th Cavalry and eventually, fell into the clutches, or the command,
depending on your point of view, of Lieutenant Colonel George Armstrong Custer.
On the infamous campaign against the indigenous people of this country,
Siegfried was assigned as a liaison to Custer’s Crow scouts.
Leopold was assigned to Major Marcus
Reno, serving under Custer as well, but his task was that of navigation of the
Reno’s detachment as he claimed to know the area. However, it is suspected that
Leopold mistook Montana for Missouri, which was his lifelong habit according to
the diaries of his wife and sister (two separate women), and misdirected Reno’s
men, making them late and out of position for Custer’s “Hammer and Anvil”
tactic, where Custer’s men were to charge the Sioux encampment and send them fleeing
into Reno’s men. This misdeed of Schnickelfritz, together with an
underestimation of the great size of the Sioux encampment exacerbated their
suddenly dire situation.
No one, not Custer, not Reno, and
certainly not the befuddling and incompetent Schnickelfritz twins had ever
dreamed that they would face such a large number of Sioux warriors, which
historians estimate being anywhere from 3,500 to 7,000 warriors.
Upon reaching the crest of a hill
overlooking the encampment, Sergeant Siegfried Schnickelfritz scanned the lands
ahead through his binoculars, which he was notorious for not cleaning. It was
noted in a notebook kept by a fellow cavalryman (who was later felled near the
Lt. Colonel’s body) that Siegfried pointed into distance to the southwest and
called to Custer, “Look, sir! There they are over there!”
At this point, the Lt. Colonel
shouted words to the effect of, “Hurrah, boys! We’ve got them!” At his order,
the column charged and Siegfried, who had been given a clean handkerchief to
wipe his dirty lenses, realized that he had made an error and misidentified a
tree line as being the Sioux encampment, chased after his fellow cavalrymen,
screaming, “Wait! They’re just trees! They’re just trees!”
Custer’s column, having been
detected by the Sioux force, was flanked, surrounded, and slaughtered, while a
protracted battle led by an embattled Major Reno and a Captain Benteen ensued.
Fortunately for the Army, neither
Siegfried nor Leopold survived the battle. Unfortunately for the Native
Americans, and perhaps due to the incompetence of the Schnickelfritz twins,
this slaughter brought about an overbearing and over-the-top retaliation
against the Sioux. Had Custer been issued superior men, he may have seen the imminent
danger all of them were facing and could have avoided the fight altogether.
The world will never know for sure.
Beware of those Schnickelfritzes, friends.
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